The Power of No

I've always had a hard time saying no…

The guilt of saying no always seemed worse than whatever saying yes meant…so I rarely did.

I'd pile one more thing on my plate. Say yes to one more request. Agree to one more "quick" favour that never stayed quick.

But as life went on, I had to learn boundaries.

Because saying yes to everyone else was quietly breaking me.

📚 The Science Behind Our “Yes” Problem

If you struggle to say no, you’re in good company.

Almost half of Americans (49%) say they’d call themselves people-pleasers- and 14% say it’s definitely them. Women are more likely to own the label (56%) than men (42%).

And it’s not just a harmless personality quirk. Among self-identified people-pleasers, 39% say it’s made their life harder - nearly half of women (47%) versus just over a quarter of men (26%).

The truth is, almost all of us do it at some level. In one survey, 92% of people admitted they often go out of their way to avoid conflict, put others’ needs ahead of their own, or just…can’t bring themselves to say no.

That’s a lot of us walking around with an overstuffed “yes” bag - and wondering why we’re exhausted…

💸 The Hidden Cost of Saying “Yes” Too Much

Every yes you give away is a no to something else:

Your business growth.

Your health.

Your free time.

Your peace of mind.

Warren Buffett once put it bluntly:

“The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”

It took me far too long to realise that “no” isn’t rejection - it’s self-preservation.

The truth is, people-pleasers are especially at risk for burnout. As Harvard-trained psychologist Debbie Sorensen explains, they’re often kind, thoughtful, dependable - which makes it even harder to set boundaries, turn down extra work, or not get emotionally wrapped up in everything.

But the health consequences are real. Research links chronic overcommitment to:

• Higher risk of coronary heart disease

• Elevated stress hormones like norepinephrine and cortisol

• More anxiety, depression, and emotional exhaustion

And here’s the scary part - it can become a loop you can’t see your way out of. Burnout drives you to overcommit even more, and the more you overcommit, the deeper the burnout gets.

The only way to break the cycle? Start saying no - before your body and mind force you to.

🧠 For ADHD Brains: The Dopamine Trap

If you have ADHD, you probably know this one by heart: the people-pleasing loop.

You say yes because it feels good to help, to be needed. You get that little hit of dopamine your brain craves. And because time-blindness whispers, “You’ve got room for one more thing”, you agree…until you’re buried in commitments you can’t keep up with.

Here’s what’s going on: scientists have found that ADHD brains often have lower baseline dopamine. Helping others gives us a quick boost - like a brain high-five - which makes saying yes incredibly tempting in the moment…even if it means sabotaging ourselves in the long run.

On top of that, ADHD brains tend to be hypersensitive to rejection - real or imagined. So we avoid saying no because it feels like rejection will follow.

And so the cycle spins:

• We say yes to win approval.

• We get rewarded with dopamine.

• We repeat… until we’re maxed out, overwhelmed, and wondering why we have no time left for what matters to us.

🙅‍♀️ For Women in Perimenopause: When Hormones Hijack Your Boundaries

That hormonal cocktail of fluctuating estrogen and dropping progesterone can throw your executive function and emotional regulation off balance.

Translation? The quiet voice that says, “You don’t have capacity for this” gets drowned out by the louder voice insisting, “Don’t disappoint anyone.”

Research shows about 4 in 10 women experience mood symptoms during perimenopause that feel a lot like PMS - irritability, low energy, mood swings, brain fog. But unlike PMS, these can hit at any time, not just before your cycle.

One big reason: the well-documented link between estradiol (a form of estrogen) and serotonin - the “feel-good” hormone. When serotonin is steady, you’re calmer, clearer, more focused. But when hormone levels swing, your mood, focus, and confidence in setting boundaries take the hit.

And here’s the kicker: serotonin also influences how your brain processes anger. Studies have found that when serotonin dips, the brain regions that help you regulate anger struggle, making it even harder to say no without feeling flooded by guilt or anxiety.

In other words - if you’ve ever said yes when you wanted to say no, then beat yourself up later - you’re probably not just “bad at boundaries.” Your brain chemistry is literally working against you.

⚡ The Psychology Trick That Changes Everything

Here’s a small language shift that can make saying no a whole lot easier - without feeling like you’re about to offend someone.

A 2012 study in the Journal of Consumer Research found that saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” helps people gracefully step out of unwanted commitments.

Here’s why it works:

• “I can’t” sounds like a limitation - something that could be negotiated or worked around. (“Oh, you can’t right now? How about next week?”)

• “I don’t” signals a firm boundary rooted in your identity and values. (“I don’t take calls after 5pm” feels non-negotiable.)

It’s a subtle shift, but it changes the dynamic. You’re not making an excuse - you’re stating who you are and what you stand for.

So next time you feel that uh-oh, I’m about to say yes when I mean no moment creeping up, try this:

• Instead of: “I can’t take that on right now.”

• Say: “I don’t take on extra projects during launch weeks.”

It’s clear. It’s confident. And best of all - it stops people from pushing past your boundaries.

✅ So here’s what I’ve learned about saying no - without feeling like a terrible human:

Pause before you answer.
If your default is yes, build in a 24-hour pause if its in writing. If the request is in person, try: “Let me check my schedule and get back to you.” That tiny gap is enough to stop the impulsive yes, check your actual capacity, and decide if it’s a fit.

Use empowering language.
Swap “I can’t” for “I don’t.”
“I don’t take on projects outside my core focus areas.”
“I don’t schedule meetings after 5pm.”
This frames your no as a conscious choice - not a limitation someone can negotiate around.

Be clear and kind.
“I’m not able to take that on right now” is plenty. The more you explain, the more you open the door for someone to talk you out of your no.

Offer an alternative - if you want to.
“I’m not able to, but here’s someone who might be able to help.” That way you’re still being helpful without sacrificing your own boundaries.

Remember the trade-off.
Every yes is a no to something else. Ask yourself: What am I giving up by saying yes to this?

Start with small nos.
Like any muscle, boundary-setting gets stronger with practice. Begin with low-stakes no’s to build confidence for the bigger ones.

✨ The Ripple Effect of Your No

When you start saying no strategically, something remarkable happens.

You don’t just protect your time - you set the tone.

-Clients start respecting your boundaries.

-Your family begins to respect your limits.

-Colleagues and collaborators stop assuming you’ll handle everything.

You give other people permission to say no too.

Saying no still feels hard for me sometimes…

But here’s the truth I come back to:

When I say no to the wrong things, I can say yes to the right ones - with more energy, presence, and joy.

And that is worth every ounce of discomfort.

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